Seesawing For Your Mind

2/21/2026

I have a few videos up on youtube that I made 6 to 7 years ago. One of them is a CSGO AWP montage set to chill lofi beats. It really is a product of its time, and to date is my best performing video lol. Another is a weird abstract video that starts off with heavy oscillating bass. The bass transforms and more elements are added until the sound is cut off. Suddenly a picture of an egg appears and the bass comes back, heavier than ever. After about a minute, the bass cuts and the screen returns to black. Then a baby chick emerges. Accompanied by the bass and some industrial sounds, the chick, in a demonic sounding voice, declares that it is both an egg and chick, and that it doesn't want to be either. There are some interesting things going on with the sound, but the video mostly ends after that.

The video doesn't have a story, nor does it really make any sense, but watching through it many years later I'm honestly impressed by it. The way 2020 me used sound to create a dark and eerie mood was effective and really creative. 2019-2020 really seems like it was a creative peak for me. I was making art and had a new pointillism piece out every week, mostly due to my AP Drawing and Painting class, but I could barely imagine having that sort of output today. Maybe that's the issue. Then there was the videos. In my mind they were abstract art installations (except for the CSGO one), and looking back on them I am proud of myself for being creative and making something, even if it didn't make any sense to anyone else.

As of a few days ago, I have been inspired by the American figure skater Alysa Liu. If you've been paying attention to the winter olypmics, you've probably heard of her name. She retired from figure skating when she was young (16, i think) due to pressure from her father and competitions. At the age of 20, which is considered old in figure skating, she came back, skated beautifully, and won a gold medal. I know shit all about figure skating, but even someone who knows nothing about figure skating could see that she was doing amazing, and more importantly, having so much fun while doing it.

Listening to her interviews, it's easy to see that she doesn't care much about winning medals or proving herself, all she wants to do is have fun skating and share her passion with the rest of the world. I think of her and the band Geese similarly, funnily enough. To me they both embody being true to yourself. Alysa Liu came back from an early retirement, not with the goal of winning gold, but with the intent to have fun while skating again. Geese released two albums full of fresh, original, and incredibly catchy music. Cameron Winter is undoubtably a great singer with a wide range and a lot of vocal agility, but his voice is also very unique and very divisive. Even as a fan, I think at times it can be harsh and very nasally (Husbands). I know that he could probably sing more traditional melodies and use a more mainstream timbre in his voice, but I think him being authentic to himself is at least partly why Geese has stood out so much for so many people.

I think that art is something innate and natural in people, until it is beaten out of them. Children draw, children sing, children are creative. They don't worry about how their "work" will be percieved, whether it's technically good or not. They're not scared of "failure" and they're not worried about how they portray themselves. They're not doing it consciously, but they are being true to themselves. I say this because while I think all of those things are true, I get caught up in my work being a certain quality, and at times I am worried to death about how I am percieved. I feel like I spend more time thinking about making art instead of actually making it. I am going to try and be more like Geese, like Alysa Liu, and like the small children who create art unbound by expectations and feelings of inadequecy.