What the fuck is up with today. It's been a shitty day and I feel like I have no one to talk to about it. I am upset with a friend and was upset with my girlfriend, but it's not her fault. My tooth also decided to give out and now it is even more chipped than it was before, and I look like a dumbass with an almost jagged edge to my front tooth. I drank alcohol yesterday, I notice the next day after drinking I will feel shitty. I am borrowing from today for good couple drunk hours.
When I was at work today, a small piece of my enamel fell out randomly. I don't think I noticed right away, or maybe I did, but I don't think I realized what it was at the time. I ran my tongue over the edge of my teeth and noticed it was sharp, then I noticed a little indent. When I went to the mirror to check, I saw almost a perfect little circle-shaped whole in my tooth. My two front teeth are already kind of chipped and ugly, but this looks so obvious compared to the rest of the times it's happened. I look fucking stupid. I haven't been to the dentist in years. I also bite my nails which I have to stop if I don't want this to continue happening, but it's such a hard habit to kick. I even bite them a lot less than I used to. I would always bite them down before any white would start to grow, but now I only bite them when they are uneven and I fixate on them. Sometimes when they're a little long. It also may be because of the objectively large amounts of lemonade I drink, but fuck me the dentist will have to kill me before I cut down on the lemonade. I made an appointment for the dentist, 12pm on December 8th.
I have a friend. This is going to sound petty and like some high school shit, but I guess that's where I'm at in life right now. Earlier I texted asking if he wanted to play something tonight, he said he'd let me know. I heard back from him around 6 saying, yes I will be free and we can play something. We normally get online at 9:30. I tell him I can get on around 9:30, at 9:30 I text him again saying I can get on if he's good. He sees it but doesn't respond. I text him a couple more times and still nothing. I call and he doesn't pick up. He texts back saying sorry, was on the phone with a friend. In my head I say okay fuck you, but I just respond passive aggressively, saying Lmao. He asks if i still want to get on and I say no.
Anyway, I go to tell my girlfriend about it. I'm pretty mad about the whole thing. Initially she responds quickly but then responds slower. I guess it trigged the same feeling because I got upset again and just deleted my messages about it. I wasn't too happy about the fact that me being mad about something else caused a thing with my girlfriend, so I just don't talk to her or anyone for a while. We talked it out. I was being irrational, but fuck sometimes I just wish I could be a little irrational and get some grace without to explain every single thing away. Maybe these are the words of an immature man, I'm sure they are.
I miss weed and wish I could get high. I miss weed more on nights like this. It makes me feel like an addict who's dependent on it, but being able to numb yourself a little bit on command is nice. Who needs complex emotions and thoughts and insecurities when I could just get high and watch Joost Klein perform Europapa on repeat until I fall asleep.